Pineapple blues

So anyway, it started as a day like any other day, the sun came up, the day dawned and velociraptors chirped from the treetops.

I was at my work station, a half smoked cigarette dangling from my lips (which, since I don’t smoke, was vaguely disturbing).

I was tapping away at my keyboard. Then I turned the machine on and it worked even better.

I was tired. I’d worked hard at doing nothing and felt I deserved a little something as a reward. After stealing my boss’s paperweight I decided even that wasn’t enough and that a delicious pineapple would go down just right. Especially if I cut it up first, not like last time.

I went upstairs to the cafeteria. Then I remembered it was downstairs.

The cafeteria was amazing. It served everything, even fish. The ones in the aquarium were always happy with the attention. Today’s special was advertized as bean soup. The smell coming from the bathrooms I went by confirmed it was.

I walk into the cafeteria. After rubbing my nose, I decide it would be easier to go through the door.

I start loading my plate up with goodies, mostly wallets and watches and anything else I can pry off people when they’re not looking.

I got to the serving counter and with a smooth and graceful demur asked, “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOUR FREAKING PINEAPPLES?!?!?!”

The lady responded in an odd voice, probably caused by my choke hold, “We only had one and that gentleman there has it!”

I turned to see a man sitting in the middle of the room, a knife (Not as big as my pocket machete but still pretty mean looking) pointed at the side of a pineapple that he was holding, gibbering wildly to himself like I do when the voices start up.

He was going on something about being stalked by an ex lover, how he couldn’t take it, how life was cruel and something else or other, I was too busy focusing on the pineapple. People go through hell all the time but a perfect pineapple is hard to find.

And it was a perfect pineapple, just the right shade of orangy-yellow, with firm flesh and a magnificent leafy green top spattered just lightly with the blood of whomever the mad man had wrenched the fruit from.

It was beautiful!

I had to have it!

I looked at the pain in the man’s eyes. His life was obviously completely off the rails, the obsessed ex had driven him utterly crazy.

He didn’t deserve that pineapple, he’d probably not even taste it as it went down.

I had to act!

I slid up to his table, mostly because I didn’t see that banana peel.

He was telling his friends about his woes. The fact that they were all invisible didn’t faze him.

I sat down opposite him. The spittle spray made me move another seat over.

“Sounds like you’re suffering my friend” I said, reaching out a comforting arm to the pineapple.

The man looked at me through blood shot eyes. He then put the eyes down and looked at me normally.

“Yeah” he said descriptively.

“I can’t believe she did that to you, man” I said sympathetically, “I never knew she was capable of it!”

“I know!” he yelled, “she won’t leave me be! I can’t get on with my life! I just want to move on, go to Alaska, go dive and slaughter seals and make bibs for toddlers, but how can I with her dogging my steps all the time?!”

He then launched into his whole life story.

Longest 2 minutes of my life.

“Thanks for listening mate” he said.

I notice his death grip on my pineapple lessening. “Maybe that’s all I needed to do, was talk about it a bit? Maybe, maybe it’s not so bad…”

“She sent you that pineapple” I said.

The man looked at it in horror!

That’s no way to look at a prime pine!

“She planted it in the cafeteria; she knew you’d want it.”

Now an ordinary guy wouldn’t fall for that but that’s why I like crazy people, they’re malleable, when they don’t bite.

The man grabbed the pineapple and made as if to hurl it from him!

“NO!” I yelled, “That’s what she wants you to do!!”

“It is?!” he asked, but then a look of suspicion snarled up his face and made me feel slightly offended that he didn’t trust my lies.

“How would she know? I could toss this fruit and she’d never know! She’d never find out!”

“Ah my friend I said” shaking my head sadly (poor pineapple), “She would know! It’s HER man! HER!! You know she’d know and she’d not let you ever not know how she knew after you did, you know that!”

“My god” he whimpered, “That makes sense…”

He slumped slowly into his seat, his fingers loosening slowly from the fine fruit. If he’d bruised it…

“Life is so hard! I can’t take it! Perhaps I should just end it? If only someone would show me some kindness, maybe things wouldn’t be so….”

I didn’t hear the rest as I yoinked the pineapple from his loose grasp, vaulted over the table, then back over again as it hadn’t been necessary, and ran out the cafeteria doors laughing all the way! SCORE!!!!

But don’t worry our story has a happy ending. The pineapple was delicious!!

Oh, and what happened to the man with the problems you ask?

Don’t worry, I didn’t give him even a small taste!

THE END