Medically speaking

So anyway I had to create clients on my computer system to test insurance docutmentation on. I had to create someone to be my fuel-injected guinea pig. Ideally a family orientated person who’s going to have to be a multimillionaire to afford all the cover and brokerage fees they’re going to get whether ornot they want it.

So I reach into non-existence like a small, nice smelling god, and I pull forth my principle client.

She is a female. As she’s often are. (Originally she was going to be a man but I only had a female ID number so her parents were rather confused at the sudden sex change. It’s never easy on the folks.)

* Her name is Macaroni cheese. ( Her parents were hippies and all the weed and crystal meths had insured whatever name she got would be a lame one. It caused her a lot of trouble in high school but luckily she made the cheerleading team and there was a guy named Eustace to take some of the heat as well, I mean what do parents think naming their kids? Or small computer godlings either for that matter?)

* She is a butcher (Originally she was to be a stewardess but the optionsfor work descriptions were long and windy and I didn’t feel like scrolling all the way to S. Butcher she is.)

* and earns R20 000 a month. (Which gives me the uncomfortable feeling that she might dabble in some nepherious things that only butchers with the right dismembering and mincing equipment could be in!)

* She is married to Vegan Cheese who has is chronically lactose intolerant. (They tried to hide this on medical reports to keep the insurance down, but I’m good at my job and they eventually relented and gave a full medical report. At least I didn't mention his unfortunate rash...)

* Vegan is a rabbi. (very devout and his only regret is rabbi’s don’t have choir boys.)

* He moonlights as a Mortitian. (He currently get’s no earnings for it, it’s really more of a hobby)

* He earns R5000 a month (With his wife earning so much more,we suspect he might be a henpecked husband. We asked him but he had to go get his wife’s permission to answer first and then just never came back)

* They have two twins, a boy (Gouda Cheese – a red haired rambunctious kid. Which is odd as neither of his parents have red hair. The post man does though…) and girl (Bree cheese – dark hair and the spitting image of her mother in that she too likes sharp weapons and dead things.)

* Both kids will, for insurance purposes, have to come down with many weird and costly diseases. Which to cripple? Which to blind? The world of insurance can be a cruel one!

* They live in a four room house. (It’s in a good part of town. You have to have money to live there. After all the insurance policies they’re getting, they will have to move.)

* They have a pet dog. (He’s so cute I’ve decided not to give him rabies)

* They have two cars. (There used to be a third but an unfortunate accident involving alcohol, speeding and a mime scrapped that car and upped their premiums.)

* The first car is a porche. (This is owned by our dubious butcher principle client Macaroni – she likes the feeling of the wind in her hair and bugs in her teeth. Her husband borrowed it once and made a show of driving around all the churches in the area in a way that could be only described as 'mockingly'.)

* The second car is a hearse. (Because the porche is too small, the kids have to ride in the hearse at the back. They like to lie down and stretch their arms up to the windows, making clawing motions and watching other cars swerve suddenly away from them. Sometimes there is a body in there as well but Vegan tried not to bring his work home.)

* The family is very healthy. This is a momentary thing)

* The Cheese family is well off, they are content and life is rosy.

Now they will be truly tested! Medical insurance after insurance policy will be created. What family secrets will be relieved? Will they learn that Macaroni still smokes on the sly? How Vegan cheese got that nasty STD at Rabbi camp? How the kids are such liabilities that Macaroni and Vegan invest in a large chain saw – just in case?

Will the family survive these tests and turmoil? Will they be able to hold together or will they fall apart, as each medical insurance taken out reviles more uncomfortable, and frankly rather unbelievable, truths?

But now I must go off and do my testing. Work work work! And since that’s part of my job and therefore, quite confidential, you'll just have to spend the rest of your life wondering. Kind of like the Cheese family is going to be doing!