Thursday, July 28, 2011

Kentucky Brain Fried

So anyway there was this woman who one day started growing feathers and a beak and wings and two large, well larger she’d never had petite feet to start with, clawed feet and turned into a large chicken.

Now her husband wasn’t chicken himself, in any form or function, but this was rather odd. It doesn’t happen every day like taxes and the mail and alien abductions and it had quiet ruffled his feathers!

But he had married her for better or worse and though he did suspect fowl play there wasn’t really much he could do about it. Besides he liked the fact that he now had quite the tale to tell! Stories about men whose wives became chickens were as rare as hen’s teeth! He decided he might even invite the neighbours over for a bit of a hen party!

So he built her a nice cage outside and chased the large chicken ex-woman, but not ex-wife, into it! She did manage to stab him with her beak a few times and he realized that he would probably spend the rest of his life as a hen-pecked husband. But he had a lot of pluck and a lot of pride, and with a cocky smile he informed the world that he’d do right by his avian wife!

Though when she started laying eggs, boy was he eggstatic! His eggstacy was through the roof! The eggs were large and would sell for eggxactly 5 times what an ordinary egg would!! He fed her top quality grain and kept egging her on to lay more! This would help him build up quiet the financial nest egg and mean he wouldn’t have to scratch a living anymore, relying on pay that was hardly chicken feed! When ever he thought of this it just made him crow with delight!

Having a large hen in the house felt very satisfying, almost as much as if he’d had a large cock!

In the end the husband was most happy with this arrangement, and they both lived happily ever after, she eating grain and laying eggs, and him reaping the benefits of having married the right chick!



JR Hudson

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Pudding it in

So anyway there was this Scientist guy who decided that he just had to know if people would sink or swim in a pool of raspberry jello. He simply could not exist another day, or enjoy another jello and ice cream, till he knew the answer!

First he had to get finance. He went to many banks but they all laughed at him. He had bad hair, it was rather cruel. And then they’d hear his proposition and laugh all over again.

Luckily he was smart and with the last bank, instead of saying it was for home amusement and the continued education of mankind, informed the bank it was a government operation that could see the institution saving as much as 40% on staff lunches and custards. The grant was signed and delivered on the same day.

The next thing he needed was a computer big enough to do the massive calculations that would go into all research involving things like black holes and puddings. Luckily he was in the same sewing bee as Stephen Hawkings and so he managed to swop some up todate research on howler monkeys and a number five sewing pin WITH scarlet thread (the soft velvety kind, but he was a desperate man), for the plans to a mega computer that he managed to build in a few weeks worth of montages.

Finally the day came. Which it usually does after the night.

He placed all his theories into the machine, including sizes, area, flavourants, colourants and speculations on whether or not metro-sexual men will ever have respect, and then…. After hours of churning he managed to make perfect home made butter! Then he left the butter and went to get the results of the equations!

To his question – could a man swim in a pool full of raspberry jelly the answer was…. “YES!”

He was delighted! He jumped for joy, pirouetted in pleasure, did a river dance of revelry and was about to get his clogs on when he decided! Well why don’t I try it?

Racing off to the store he grabbed a basket, then went back and grabbed a trolley, and went to buy every raspberry jelly on the shelves! He must have gone to about 200 shopping malls! Which was about a third of all the ones in his area!!

Next stop the school! It was a Friday and he figured he’d have the whole weekend for work! (Excluding time for his series). They alone had a pool big enough! He belly crawled inside, over shrapnel and glass and other things he could have easily avoided and which was rather unnecessary as the building was open and deserted. And besides it’s hard to be stealthy with 8 000 packets of jello strapped to your back.

He ran to the pool water and placed his Giant-Mega-Ultra egg beater (that he kept for making Giant-Mega-Ultra omelets) into the water and turned it on. It churned the water like he had churned the butter before. It made him want a scone. But no time! He had to add the jello!

Packet after packet was torn open and tossed into the water! He tore packets open till his fingers bled. Then tore them with his teeth until his gums bled! Then remembered he had scissors in the car and the bleeding stopped.

Packet after packet went into the water until there were no more packets left to add! He had to wait rather a long time for the jello to set but he’d brought his game machine, quilting and a few issues of playboy (he read it for the articles) so time passed slowly and painfully.

But eventually the pool had set into a brilliant ruby coloured jewel that smelt so strongly of raspberry flavouring that it almost hid the smell of the professor’s unwashed body! It was Sunday evening, time was running out, the world was waiting!

Our hero stripped off his lab coat, revealing a small, once-yellow g-string speedo that was slightly more brown then yellow owing to the fact he’d been wearing it rather a long time and the loo paper had run out Saturday morning.

He stood on the edge of the pool. Remembered his machine’s calculations. And dived in.

His body was discovered Monday morning by the boy’s synchronized swimming and bake sale group. It was obvious he’d sunk straight down and attempted to eat his way back up, but his slight, stay-indoors-get-no-real-exercise-frame had been overwhelmed by the pungent dessert!

Amongst the onlookers was Stephen Hawkings who just happened to be in the neighbourhood and keen on a few brownies from the bake sale. Shaking his head, he pointed to a flaw in the Scientist’s research. “He forgot to carry the one” he said sadly, and every math teacher in the area understood instantly and wiped a glistening tear from their eye.

Hawkings punched in the correct data and instead of the “YES!” That had first come out of the machine, the answer changed to “NO! DON’T DO IT! YOU’LL DIE! I LOVE YOU!” which is pretty much what happens most in these circumstances.

The Scientist’s body was carefully cut out of the jello and the rest was surreptitiously siphoned away to be used in the schools lunch program since it was hardly the only thing fed to the students with human corpse in it.

Some say the riddle still stands today. Some say Hawkings tried the experiment himself and had varying success with lime and pineapple jellies. But I think you and I know, that some things, some things are better left a mystery.




JR Hudson

The man in the hole

So anyway there was this guy and he was walking along, minding his own business and looking up at the sky and thinking how the clouds looked like “Attack of The Killer Cauliflower”, when suddenly he fell into a hole in the sidewalk, right up to his waist!

Squiggle and squirm though he did he just couldn’t pull himself out. A crowd gathered and a man from the City Bureau of Large Ominous Holes came forth. He said that there would be no way to pull the man out without damaging the integrity of the hole, causing a chain reaction and destroying earth and life as we know it.

The man in the hole, having suspected this might happen to him, this wasn’t the first time in his family, decided there was no need to make a fuss and to live life on as usual.

He had his wife sell the house, which surprisingly she did, and set up a tent next to him so that he could see her and his son. He had his office work brought straight to the hole and never missed a deadline.

Sadly of course his life didn’t always go smoothly. He argued with his wife who said she felt they weren’t as intimate as before, at which point he did kind of point to the hole. His son was also annoyed because his dad never came to his concerts or went and played ball with him. Again the father pointed to the hole. His family felt he used that excuse for everything and one day they up and left. This wasn’t so bad, and he soon forgot their faces. (Though he remembered their shins and ankles for a lot longer but those memories also eventually faded.)

He worked a lot but never forgot to sit back, figuratively speaking, and enjoy life. In winter he had a small shelter put over him and, except for one bad fire caused by his heater and him having no where to run, it was a warm and toasty place to be. In summer a nice umbrella did him well against the sun and occasional downpours, though mud leaking into his nethers did lead to some discomfort and the danger of flash floods was never far from his mind.

Eventually he met Julie, the librarian from across the road who didn’t mind that he was half the man he used to be. She set up her own tent next to him, his wife having gotten the other one in the divorce. (He could have protested but never showed up at court.)

The couple didn’t have any children but that wasn’t a surprise, they just felt they weren’t able to be parents.

He worked very hard and sometimes Julie would complain of his late nights. But not too often since they weren’t that much different from his early ones.

Eventually He retired and the couple decided to see the world. So Julie bought him an atlas and DVD entitled “The world in photos” for his 60th birthday.

Julie had a bad hip but he never had any problems with his legs.

Eventually one day, the man woke up dead and all his friends and family, namely Julie, a few passers by and the rat that had started nibbling on his face at night, gathered around as the work men sort of stuffed the last of him down the hole and covered him up with good quality cement, the way they knew he wanted to go.

Some people say they can still hear the sound of a man yelling, “Get your dog off of my face!” to this very day!




JR Hudson