First he had to get finance. He went to many banks but they all laughed at him. He had bad hair, it was rather cruel. And then they’d hear his proposition and laugh all over again.
Luckily he was smart and with the last bank, instead of saying it was for home amusement and the continued education of mankind, informed the bank it was a government operation that could see the institution saving as much as 40% on staff lunches and custards. The grant was signed and delivered on the same day.
The next thing he needed was a computer big enough to do the massive calculations that would go into all research involving things like black holes and puddings. Luckily he was in the same sewing bee as Stephen Hawkings and so he managed to swop some up todate research on howler monkeys and a number five sewing pin WITH scarlet thread (the soft velvety kind, but he was a desperate man), for the plans to a mega computer that he managed to build in a few weeks worth of montages.
Finally the day came. Which it usually does after the night.
He placed all his theories into the machine, including sizes, area, flavourants, colourants and speculations on whether or not metro-sexual men will ever have respect, and then…. After hours of churning he managed to make perfect home made butter! Then he left the butter and went to get the results of the equations!
To his question – could a man swim in a pool full of raspberry jelly the answer was…. “YES!”
He was delighted! He jumped for joy, pirouetted in pleasure, did a river dance of revelry and was about to get his clogs on when he decided! Well why don’t I try it?
Racing off to the store he grabbed a basket, then went back and grabbed a trolley, and went to buy every raspberry jelly on the shelves! He must have gone to about 200 shopping malls! Which was about a third of all the ones in his area!!
Next stop the school! It was a Friday and he figured he’d have the whole weekend for work! (Excluding time for his series). They alone had a pool big enough! He belly crawled inside, over shrapnel and glass and other things he could have easily avoided and which was rather unnecessary as the building was open and deserted. And besides it’s hard to be stealthy with 8 000 packets of jello strapped to your back.
He ran to the pool water and placed his Giant-Mega-Ultra egg beater (that he kept for making Giant-Mega-Ultra omelets) into the water and turned it on. It churned the water like he had churned the butter before. It made him want a scone. But no time! He had to add the jello!
Packet after packet was torn open and tossed into the water! He tore packets open till his fingers bled. Then tore them with his teeth until his gums bled! Then remembered he had scissors in the car and the bleeding stopped.
Packet after packet went into the water until there were no more packets left to add! He had to wait rather a long time for the jello to set but he’d brought his game machine, quilting and a few issues of playboy (he read it for the articles) so time passed slowly and painfully.
But eventually the pool had set into a brilliant ruby coloured jewel that smelt so strongly of raspberry flavouring that it almost hid the smell of the professor’s unwashed body! It was Sunday evening, time was running out, the world was waiting!
Our hero stripped off his lab coat, revealing a small, once-yellow g-string speedo that was slightly more brown then yellow owing to the fact he’d been wearing it rather a long time and the loo paper had run out Saturday morning.
He stood on the edge of the pool. Remembered his machine’s calculations. And dived in.
His body was discovered Monday morning by the boy’s synchronized swimming and bake sale group. It was obvious he’d sunk straight down and attempted to eat his way back up, but his slight, stay-indoors-get-no-real-exercise-frame had been overwhelmed by the pungent dessert!
Amongst the onlookers was Stephen Hawkings who just happened to be in the neighbourhood and keen on a few brownies from the bake sale. Shaking his head, he pointed to a flaw in the Scientist’s research. “He forgot to carry the one” he said sadly, and every math teacher in the area understood instantly and wiped a glistening tear from their eye.
Hawkings punched in the correct data and instead of the “YES!” That had first come out of the machine, the answer changed to “NO! DON’T DO IT! YOU’LL DIE! I LOVE YOU!” which is pretty much what happens most in these circumstances.
The Scientist’s body was carefully cut out of the jello and the rest was surreptitiously siphoned away to be used in the schools lunch program since it was hardly the only thing fed to the students with human corpse in it.
Some say the riddle still stands today. Some say Hawkings tried the experiment himself and had varying success with lime and pineapple jellies. But I think you and I know, that some things, some things are better left a mystery.
JR Hudson
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